Spiritual Jokes: Astrological Prayers

Spiritual Jokes: Astrological Prayers

Aries
Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now?


Taurus
Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.


Gemini
Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?


Cancer
Dear God!!!


Leo
Yes?


Virgo
Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.


Libra
Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?


Scorpio
Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!


Sagittarius
Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.


Capricorn
Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!


Aquarius
Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridi culous!!


Pisces
Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.

Quotes for Performance !!

"Everything depends upon execution; having just a vision is no solution." – Stephen Sondheim

“If anything is worth trying at all, it’s worth trying at least 10 times.” Art Linkletter

Life responds to deserve and not to need. It doesn't say,"If you need,you will reap." It says,"If you plant you will reap."The guys says,"I really need to reap."Then you really need to plant. -Jim Rohn

 

"I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act, but I believe in a fate that falls on men unless they act." –– G.K. Chesterton
"Slumps are like a soft bed.They're easy to get into and hard to get out of." Johnny Bench
"I like to be against the odds. I'm not afraid to be lonely at the top. With me, it's just the satisfaction of the game. Just performance."Barry Bonds

The few who do are the envy of the many who only watch. 
Jim Rohn

 "Great works are done when one is not calculating and thinking."Daisetz T. Suzuki

"There's no such things as coulda, shoulda, or woulda. If you shoulda and coulda, you woulda done it." Pat Riley
"Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then, by God, do something. Don't just stand there, make something happen." Lee Iacocca

Make rest a neccesity,not an objective.Only rest long enough to gather strenght. Jim Rohn

 "My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging." Hank Aaron

"The important thing is to dare to dream big, then take action to make it come true." Joe Girard

"Step up the stairs or stare at the steps." Ralph Nichols

"I read myself out of poverty, long before I worked myself out of poverty." Walter Anderson

The soil says,"Dont bring me your need.Bring me your seed." 
Jim Rohn 

 

"Past performance produces present privileges." Anonymous

"Performance for another in no way signals the inferiority of the performer to the one for whom the performance is intended."Sandra Bartky

"Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When the right thing is understood, but one slackens his performance; then his attention will become commanded by the cares of the world, the deceitfulness of riches and the lust of other things. When these things come to dominate one's interest, his performance of the more important spiritual insights will fail. Belief without performance will never produce desired results. It is like planting seeds in your garden, watering the garden until they sprout, then failing to continue to water and weed thereafter. Likewise, a person caught by procrastination in the stony and thorny ground of mere belief, will never reap the fruits of his ideals." Loyd J. Ericson 

"An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise."William Dean Howells

"It is our individual performances, no matter how humble our place in life may be, that will in the long run determine how well ordered the world may become." Paul C. Packer

You must learn to translate wisdom and strong feelings into labor.Jim Rohn

 "Be fanatics. When it comes to being and doing and dreaming the best, be maniacs." A.M. Rosenthal

"The man who does not take pride in his own performance performs nothing in which to take pride." Thomas J. Watson

"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."Woodrow Wilson

"I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism." Charles Schwab

You must get good at one of two things;planting in the spring or begging in the fall. Jim Rohn

 

"You don't concentrate on risks. You concentrate on results. No risk is too great to prevent the necessary job from getting done."Charles Yeager
"What we think or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only thing of consequence is what we do." John Ruskin

Chanakya's Quotes....

Chanakya's Quotes - Worth reading a million times…

  
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"A person should not be too honest. 
Straight trees are cut first 
and Honest people are victimised first." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC 75 BC)   
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"Even if a snake is not poisonous, 
it should pretend to be venomous." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)   
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"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. ! It will destroy you." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)   
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"There is some self-interest behind every friendship.
There is no Friendship without self-interests.
This is a bitter truth." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)   
***************************************************   
"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply
and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)   
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"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275 BC)   
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"Once you start a working on something, 
don't be afraid of failure and
don't abandon it. 
People who work sincerely are the happiest." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)   
***************************************************   
"The fragrance of flowers spreads 
only in the direction of the wind.
But the goodness of a person spreads in all direction." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)   
***************************************************   
"A man is great by deeds, not by birth." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)   
***************************************************   
"Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. 
For the next five years, scold them.
By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. 
Your grown up children are your best friends." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)   
***************************************************   
"Books are as useful to a stupid person 
as a mirror is useful to a blind person." 
Chanakya quotes (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)   
***************************************************   
"Education is the best friend. 
An educated person is respected everywhere.
Education beats the beauty and the youth." 
Chanakya quotes  (Indian politician, strategist and writer, 350 BC-275BC)

some jokes..

Wife: Why are you home so early?
 Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
 ---------------------------------------
 "Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles
 and sorrows.";
 "But I don't have any, my love."
 "I said, when we get married" 
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 American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
 Santa: In India, it is only with female 
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 When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
 doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --
 On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god... after
 that the letters reversed ( dog )
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3 fastest means of communication:
  Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --
 A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found
 a woman just like mother!"
 His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?";

 

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Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

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How can SantaSingh Kill a Lion?
SantaSingh thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. JJJ

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A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married;
Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.

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Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

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SantaSingh: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?
biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Accident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.

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SantaSingh : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying....
When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

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Man before Marriage I like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where eveR U Go Our Network Follows."

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SantaSingh : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
SantaSingh : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!

Message.. (No offences plz)

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face  with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied. 
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. 
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"